I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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