Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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