Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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