This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
