I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
