areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
