Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
