Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
