So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
