Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
