got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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