the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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