ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
