My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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