and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
