My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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