i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
