so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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