i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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