My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Someone signed my nipple.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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