I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
