so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
