Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
