U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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