No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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