My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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