He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
