We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
