she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
