my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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