i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
