guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cockslap morals
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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