god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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