I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
