So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
