Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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