dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
