The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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