you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
