I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
