u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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