my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
