Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
