omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize