Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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