It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
