You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize