The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
