Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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