She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
