I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize