Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
