my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
