umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
