After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
