Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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