I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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