And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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