I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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